The Perils of Internet Romance


Girls. You think you get them. We’re all just human right? I mean we all have hopes and dreams and fears and phobias and all that other great stuff that makes every one of us fucked up, crazy weirdos. So when you meet someone who is equally as weird as you, everything just seems right. You spend time together, laughing and having a great time, then BAM! You’re suddenly faced with one-word responses on Facebook, 2 hours after you sent a message. I know you saw the message as soon as I sent it, Facebook tells me so now.

Well thanks a lot Facebook you arsehole. Not only did all those drug and alcohol induced pictures I was tagged in on my “sick day” end up on my boss’ newsfeed (even though I’m certain I updated the mindboggling privacy settings), but now I have to sit here with only my thoughts, muttering to myself like some half crazed, hallucinating drug addict, completely insecure in the explicit knowledge that my message was viewed, then deemed too fucking boring to even illicit a response bigger than 2 syllables. Yes, the future of communication technology is wonderful and I want to die

So it may or may not be clear, but I’m a single guy. And, as a single guy, I often do things to try and attract the attention of attractive females. I’ve tried every different approach I can think of, from asking them how they’re doing then standing awkwardly because I can’t think of anything else to say, to sitting in a corner staring at them intently across the room, all to no avail. They just don’t budge. It’s an ongoing problem and I’d pretty much given up on the prospect of ever meeting a girl.

Until of course, I discovered that Facebook can be an awesome tool for girls just coming to you. And not just any girls either: Hot ones. With a pout. Skinny hot pouting girls! Just like that. All I have to do is merely put my face to my profile and they come pouring in. It’s a welcome change to the usual grimaces of repulse I receive in real life.

Too good to be true? Of course not, this is the fucking Internet godamnit!

So naturally when a pretty young female who I’d never heard of, with the awfully common name of Poppy Howe, added me as a friend I could only assume it was legitimate. Then, when she proceeded to tell me how she’s a model but just in the UK at the moment for an event and eagerly looking for a boyfriend on her return ‘home’ (even though her English is atrocious, but I know a few Australians so that was no surprise) it was clear that I had finally found the one.

 But now I’m a little confused. We hit it off great and shared so much info, but I’ve not heard anything for sometime now. I thought I’d share our conversation in the hope of shedding some light on my dilemma.

Now beware, Poppy tends to ramble and most of it is really, really poorly written. But she looked attractive so naturally these things don’t matter.

Here’s how our conversation started:

Poppy Howe  

How are you doing?

Dean Gallagher  

I’m fantastic and you?

Poppy Howe

Hey. FB suggested I knew you. So I pretended it was true , I’m using that opportunity to say Hi and if you don’t mind tell me a little bit more about your self too and let’s see where it goes from there…

Dean Gallagher

Sounds like a fair excuse. I’m from Sydney. What do you do?

Pretty innocuous questioning really. Nothing in there to warrant a detailed listing of her life’s ambitions or what she wants in a man. But maybe that question was loaded and my lack of understanding of the opposite sex is the reason for my consistent failings. Either way, she answered it with gusto. It’s really not worth reading it all though. She rambles.

Poppy Howe

How are you doing today???i hope you working fine right now and I’ll be happy to hear back from you and here is a little about me…I’m 25 years old single never married…… am a Fashion Model im right now in UK for Model Event will be back in 3days time.,, and i’m here to looking for a Caring One as well Talking about who i am, I am that easy going type,open minded and a good listener .I laugh a lot and try to make people around me all the time happy.My hobbies are too many but to mentioned a few; sports,watching movies, going for walks, playing with kids, listening to all types of music, dancing in the dark etc. My favorite movies are romantic movies, eating habits: just about anything. i dont want any Games Scene on here,that is why i always say the real truth about who i am . it’s because its really hurt me and i’m looking for great man like as say earlier..I expect my partner to be loyal, honest, caring, compassionate and giving. Not necessarily gifts, material or worldly things, but giving of his self and his time. In a relationship i expect 100% because i’m going to give all to my partner so i’ll expect the same. I love to laugh and to make that special someone laugh also. I am very sincere in finding true love that will last for a life time. I am also a very deeply romantic lady but only gets romantic with my man. I love to listen to music, watch movies and hangout at the beach. I’m just looking for everything I need in one man TRUST,HONEST.CARE.

My only conclusion after that extremely long yet strikingly general and vague rant: I’m totally in.

I continued:

Dean Gallagher

Wow that’s quite detailed there

Poppy Howe

Tell me more about you

Not wishing to give too much away, I thought I’d ease her in.

Dean Gallagher

I love doing stuff. But I also love doing things. In my spare time I even do everything, but that can get a bit much. Know what I mean?

 Poppy Howe

Thanks for the lovely mail and i am glad you getting back to me…i will be coming back home anytime soon, just want to find someone nice before i come because im ready to sacrifice myself the right man not the wrong man and make me happy.I hope this will take us to the next level and we could build a relationship that will last forever. Distance between us does not bother me as I know we could meet it will be my pleasure to get to know more about you…

Now clearly I had said enough to blow her mind. She was ready to go all the way and, in her words “sacrifice myself for the right man”. All it took was a few sarcastic answers and I have a woman willing to sacrifice herself. The internet is amazeballs!

But then she brought out the questions:

Poppy Howe

I can see that this is the better way to get to know more about each other… I will like you to tell me more about you by Answering this Questions…and I will answer the same Question as well..Here i Go..

1)What do you seek for in a relationship (2)What are the basic qualities you seek for in a lady?(3)What sort of relationship you seek for? ( 4)What interests you?(5)What do you do for fun?(6)Do you Like Intimate In public?(7)How long have you been single?(8)What’s being single like?(9)Do you know I’m 25years old..Does age matters to you??(10)How do you treat your lady?(11)Why do you need a lady?(12)Can you love this lady?(13)What is love to you?(14)Would you hit your lady for any reasons?(15)Do you have a Kids?(16)When do you Start this Online Dating Atmosphere??(17)How Old are you?(18)What do you do for a Living? and I’llhopefully want to know what your consent is about these questions.

Where exactly are you living? Because I really want to get to know you and meet you. I can’t remember when I talked so much about myself and to have the chance to read it back, it might sound weird but I am proud of myself and hoping for the day I can make more and better memories to share with someone special like YOU!!!

Like me. Like ME! She can’t even remember talking so much about herself. I can’t remember any socially aware person ever talking so much about themselves or so  strangely, but I’ll take it! So I decided the best thing to do to completely seal the deal is answer every question as honestly as possible.

Dean Gallagher

Whoa that’s quite a list you’ve got there, but ok I’ll do my best…

1)What do you seek for in a relationship?
Bacon. It’s vital in any relationship.

2)What are the basic qualities you seek for in a lady?
She must be constantly horny, ready and willing

(3)What sort of relationship you seek for?
I seek an open polygamous relationship

(4)What interests you?
Sex really interests me

(5)What do you do for fun?
Have lots of sex with multiple partners

6)Do you Like being Intimate In public?
Are you a sicko? Hell yeah I do!

7)How long have you been single?
I’m always single. For the right lady of course

(8)What’s being single like?
Being single is like being alone except with a different word

9) Do you know I’m 25years old..Does age matters to you?
How the hell would I know that, I only just started talking to you? But do you look old? If not then I think we’ll be ok.

(10) How do you treat your lady?

(11) Why do you need a lady?
Masturbation can only get you so far

(12)Can you love this lady?
Are you fat? If not then it’s possible

(13)What is love to you?
Love is a Damn hindrance on anything remotely fun

(14)Would you hit your lady for any reasons?
Only if she deserved it

(15)Do you have a Kids?
The court case is pending. Until then, no

(16)When do you Start this Online Dating Atmosphere??
Summer of 1953

(17)How Old are you?
Got a particular age you like? I’m that age.

(18)What do you do for a Living?

And I can live wherever you want me to live because I’m that type of guy: fake And trust me you don’t sound weird just downright insane so it’s not all bad.

I waited for several days for a response, hoping that my answers weren’t too forward and that the unconditional love we had developed over 20 minutes of Facebook conversation would stay strong enough to bind us.

My honesty paid off, as she finally returned with such a very long reply. I didn’t bother reading all of it though because she was clearly into me and women talk way too much anyway. Eh boys, am I right?

Poppy Howe
Hello ,

How are you today? Thanks for your message, that email you sent me was quite a response. I love the fact that you are very honest and upfront with me. You seem like you are very down to earth and laid back man, and that is good. I believe that partners are 100% equal in a relationship and both should be able to feel they can trust each other 100% at all times. I feel that any woman who ever disrespects a man is not a woman at all. I am affectionate also and I have no trouble showing it for the right man in public or private. I love to cuddle while watching a good movie, I love to hug and kiss my man at anytime and anywhere it could be a store, mall or just on a sidewalk. I am looking for a very serious and long term relationship, I am looking for something permanent  and I know it takes time and a lot of good effort to form a good relationship. I want a man to be my best friend at all times, my sweetheart, love of my life, my partner and my soul mate all wrapped up into one lovely man. I have been burned before and I know how it feels, the feeling is not good at all… and it is one i never wanna experience again. Distance is not a problem to me because I know we will meet soon.

At this point of my life, all I am looking for is that wonderful and special man to love completely and unconditionally, and who will love me too. I am very committed, a good listener and I give all in a relationship. I want to meet that man to share my whole heart with, to share my ups and downs with, I want to treat him like a king for the rest of our lives because I want to get married and settle down with him. I will be very supportive to him and be by his side all the time. I would love him a 100% and give my whole heart to him. Each night and day I hope and pray that i found the riteful man that will be mine forever . I know it’s hard to fine man and trust a man – giving your heart, body and soul, but I am giving it a fair try. Please I beg you … once again I say please, If you really serious about me cos I’ve been badly hurt in the past and i want it to go away ……..i really need to be loved and not to be disappointed , I hope you understand were am coming from and were am going. I really wanna meet you when I get back to home, maybe we could go out for dinner (my granny always say a good conversation always makes a good meal) or go to the movies. My Favorite color is blue, fav food is french fries and chicken, I love all kinds of music but favorite is< Micheal jackson>… Please Be Honest with me and Never Let me Down. I cant wait to hear back from you..Stay sweet

Stay sweet. She thinks I’m sweet. All I had to do was answer honestly and from the heart. How can I question someone’s authenticity when they’re from Australia but prefer to use American spelling and use it badly. Clearly she’s just a little nervous from how much we have in common.

So it was time to finally seal the deal:

Dean Gallagher

Ummm… Will you be my slave then?

That was 1 month ago. Momentarily buoyed by that wonderful feeling of finding the one person who relates to you so well and clearly likes the things I have to say, I now find myself wallowing in self pity and wondering what I could possibly have said to warrant such actions.

Maybe I’ll never understand women. Or people for that matter. I don’t know what I could have done differently, but maybe one day I’ll work it out. It’s been suggested that the answer to my conundrum lies somewhere in my dialogue with her, but I’m yet to find where.

I guess the internet is not for me either. I think I’ll just go back to staring at women through their windows in the vain hope they’ll notice me and ask me out.

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